unsay ([info]unsay) wrote,
@ 2005-07-20 22:08:00
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Entry tags:poetry

i'm sick of the things that i do when i'm nervous.
I'm not very good with free-verse poetry. I never know how free to make it. Just tell me if it works, & if it's coherent. Thoughts on the ending will be appreciated, too.


I'm looking in all your windows
trying to find the door, and
sleeping in the bushes in the
cast of your lights;
the cold and the thorns don't
bother me as much as the
scars that bleed overnight.
Frantic, I'm searching for these
doorways in the dark,
anticipating and fearing what forms
may progress through them, stark
spirits I both love and fear.
As I watch you I dream about leaving
without saying goodbye,
never ceasing to believe
you could have made me feel alive.


Instead of cleaning the oven or checking my tires, I write poetry and clean my room.


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[info]palisades_
2005-07-21 03:04 am UTC (link)
well, genna, well. done. well done.
i like "stark spirits", but i would change "fearing what forms may progress through them". everything about this poem seems very chill, very sly, like a wraith slipping under bushes and wrapping around trees and tapping on windows and whispering things, that's what i imagine. like when someone leaves or dies and you feel like they're still right outside your window and you don't want to check because ahh it might be zombies! sly.. very sly. anyways, the point i am trying to make is.... yeah, the tone of the poem is a very hissy quiet lonely one, therefore the word "progress" seems out of place to my pink eye. why? well, progress is like what the pilgrims did! progressing makes me think of BAM! I AM PROGRESSING! PROGRESSING THROUGH THE MOUNTAINS! PROGRESSING BAM BAM BAM! maybe it's the hard g. hahaha oh man you are probably shaking your head at my lunacy.

anyways... "fearing what forms may pass???" seems to stick with the sssssllllyyyynesss okay i need sleep byebyebye.

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